This Toronto Life: Changes

“I don’t have the privilege of having my life stay the same. It changes all the time. Like, one minute it was sunny, and the next, a tsunami hit.” I said this in an interview a week before my accident, trying to explain how life has trained me to handle changes.

But again, I never said it was easy, and I never said it wasn't scary.

Changes cause so much fear.

This time, whether I embrace it or not, my life is shifting once more due to the accident.

Before the accident, my focus was on cultivating an independent existence. I envisioned earning enough to afford a robot to care for me in old age or to secure a spot in a top-tier senior facility. My goal was to avoid reliance on a husband and to create a self-sufficient life, free of obligations to anyone. I believed this would simplify things.

But that belief shattered when I lay on the ground for 50 minutes, waiting for an ambulance in the pouring rain.

“Anyone you can call? Your emergency contact?” My hands trembled as I gripped my phone. After thirty minutes of contemplation, I called a friend and asked for help.

Watching street carts pass by and being drenched by cold rainwater compelled me to seek assistance.

With no other option, I allowed people to help me—bringing food, washing my hair, cleaning my floor, fetching water, taking care of me, driving me, doing laundry, worrying about me. This was the first time in 14 years since moving away from home that I had to rely on others.

Yet, the significant difference here is that I can direct people on how I wish to be loved while maintaining my boundaries.

For instance, many people wanted to visit me, but I only shared my information with a select few—those who wouldn’t drain my energy. I told others to wait. I kept track of those who offered help and assured them I’d reach out if needed. Ultimately, I did ask for help, and because I initiated it, I could accept it naturally, without shame.

Love is a delicate balance of giving and taking — how to give and what to take. Now, I understand it intimately; I can feel it.

Perhaps because I’ve learned to love myself, I finally know what I seek, what I truly need, and how I wanted to be loved. This time, I am aware that I deserve help, care, time, and energy from the right people, and so I am able to accept all these things with grace.

At the same time, acknowledging that this change means letting people into my vulnerable space and trusting their intentions was daunting. I cried for three hours the day before leaving my friends’ place to return home alone with my injured leg.

I resonate with my therapist’s words: everyone is forced to make decisions or undergo changes in their lives occasionally. But, he paused, “yours are just far more dramatic than most.”

Neither my therapist nor I can fathom why my experiences are so dramatic, but this accident is yet another chapter in the saga of forced changes that define my life.

Just need to remind myself: 凡事发生，都有利于我。

#thistorontolife

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