Love as Actions
Recently, during a Tarot reading, my friend Grace asked, based on the Lover card,“Cordelia, what does a loving relationship mean to you?” I didn’t have an immediate answer, but the question lingered, especially after a bike accident—a time when I felt surrounded by an unexpected outpouring of support.
As an aromantic, I've always seen love differently. It’s never an emotion or feeling to me. This idea began solidifying last year when I watched a Japanese TV show about historical recipes. An aunt figure in the show shared her thoughts on love, saying love requires effort and intelligence to know how to give and what to take. Her words struck a chord with me, offering a new lens through which to view love.
People often wonder what love means to someone who doesn’t experience romantic attraction. Aromantics can clearly distinguish between romantic and sexual attraction—a clarity that many might overlook. To me, love isn't confined to romance; it’s found in caring messages from a friend, Chinese New Year dinners with family, and, most importantly, in the love letters I write to myself.
The more I reflect, the more I realize that love, at its core, is a series of intentional actions to create a space. This space isn’t just for others; it’s also for ourselves—a place where self-love becomes essential.
Self-love, I’ve learned, isn’t selfish. It’s not about placing oneself above others, as narcissism does. Instead, it’s about knowing ourselves—like understanding which flavour of ice cream we crave for breakfast, setting boundaries by saying no to a date we’re unsure about after a huge, and guiding others on how we wish to be treated by asking for what we once hesitated to request. By gaining these insights, we differentiate between our true selves and others’ projections of us, slowly becoming who we truly are.
So, what does a loving relationship mean to me? Love is a series of intentional actions to create a safe space for healing—a place where I can express how I want to be loved with no shame and where I can offer the same to another. And then it hit me: despite all my understanding, I have only ever experienced this from myself, never from others.
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